1st month
3rd month
5th month
7th month
9th month
'Sup.
Now press!
Press!
Good!
Yes!
Just keep pressing.
We've got this.
There we go.
Gratulations.
What is it, doctor? What is it?
It's an asshole...
... barely twelve years later...
I am the Satan, baby
I wanna fry you, baby
It's a hundred degrees in here, baby
So don't dress too warm, baby
The best thing for you right now would be a little sin
SIN!
We want to sin!
To quit heaven!
And keep on sinning!
And for our deeds, eternally..
we fry!
Sin!
We want to sin!
Quit heaven!
And keep on sinning!
I'm a little asshole, baby
A little devil's child, baby
You're my new broiled chicken, baby
So don't dress too warm, baby
The best thing for you right now would be a little sin
Sin!
We want to sin!
Quit heaven!
And keep on sinning!
Sin!
We want to sin!
Quit heaven!
And keep on sinning!
Sin!
We want to sin!
Quit heaven!
And keep on sinning!
Well?
What's wrong?
No sparklers?
Are you f-f-f-fucking ins-s-s-sane?
T-t-t-to have us p-p-perform a modernized version of F-f-faust at the world-ch-ch-ch-church-day!
You told us that was a meeting of dead-serious satanists!
Pfff.. christians. Satanists. It's very easy to confuse.
Confusing, my ass.
Oh, is there a difference?
You l-l-l-et us run into a kn-kn-knife with op-p-p-en eyes!
Admittedly, men.
I took that risk.
I wanted to shatter boundaries.
To call forth sympathy for atheism.
To unite. To reconcile.
As Thanks, we were mistreated.
But I am used to being kicked around.
We too! / We too! / We too!
Dear diary,
My band's performance at the world-church-day was not quite as succesful as i had hoped.
These are dark days.
In many countries of earth, squalor and destitution reign.
Wars are fought.
Plagues threaten humankind.
And when i fail my presentation the day after tomorrow, i'll get an F and will be held back a year.
But i am not giving up.
I shall continue to fight for a better world until the whole of mankind is singing and embracing each other.
But hark, what is going on?
It appears i have to make an inspection round, dear diary.
Yes! Yes! Oh yes!
'sup?
No.
What the fuck?
What are you doing here?
I was worried, mother.
I heard strange noises.
Like sickly, vomiting animals.
There aren't any animals!
Dad and i wanted to change the sheets and .. um..
Ha Ha, but mother, i know what is happening.
Don't be ashamed, for i was made this way.
I am the fruit of your womb.
Yes, yes, father used his penis to penetrate your Vulva, or lust grotto.
This also works from behind or a tergo, as you two have just demonstrated very impressively.
Although the catholic church isn't really in favor of it.
Oh boy..
At the heights of his sexual endeavours, his seed,
a slimy liquid with purulent consistency and the taste of diet salad dressing, got released into it.
His sperm, nimble little fellows, then swam forth to the uterus, where one of them, with the greatest dedication
combined itself with the female egg cell.
There, swimming in amniotic fluid and nourished by placenta,
the embryo grows, at first miniscule and mishapen, but soon inexorably gaining size and form and scarcely nine months
after this, perhaps thoughtless act of desire, a new human is born.
This is how i was formed; your son.
The wonder of life.
But don't let yourself be disturbed any further.
At this time of day, the female slime flora is said to be at its most fertile.
Huh? / What?
Err.. should we continue..?
I dunno..
Say, are you taking the pill at the moment?
Nope.
Ah, better not then.
Where the devil is my red...?
'sup!
You pig, can't you knock?
Why are you hiding your bareness?
You are my sister, i do not desire you.
That's the last i'd need right now!
What do you even want?
I'm bringing you your share. Here.
Share? What kind of share?
Five "Tex, the brave bordertrooper" comics. Good condition.
Tex, the brave bordertrooper?
Why, yes!
The guarantor of justice in a lawless time.
The man with the big hat .. err.. the man with the small hat and the big heart. Landscape format.
What am i going to do with this shit?
Don't fret.
I don't need your thanks.
I traded them for your red slip.
With my friend, Kalle Klammo.
You did what?!
You traded in my slip?
For five "Tex, the brave bordertrooper" comics?
Ten, all in all!
Five for you, five for me.
Are you stupid?
The slip was by Malizia, it cost 40 Mark!
Don't worry about the trade-in value.
In 20, 30 years, these will be worth a fortune.
Oh yeah?
And what does this little stinker want with my slip, anyway?
Well, jack off in it.
He loves you.
What
So this pimply idiot now sits in his room and is masturbating into my best slip?
In the bathroom. Kalle always masturbates in the bathroom.
I can't even. I just can't.
I know.
I know what you are feeling right now.
You feel humiliated, hurt in your dignity as a woman, is that not so?
I understand your pain, but i have avenged you.
Oh, now that calms me down..
How then?
I pissed in the slip earlier.
And Kalle thinks it's from you and gave me 2 comics extra.
The intellectual level of my family compares to mine as to
a deep sea sponge does to Albert Einstein, dear diary.
They are as animals, shameless and libidinous .
You won't believe what i caught my parents doing just now.
My sister is no better.
Shameless, she lounged in front of me in her immaculate nudeness
The light gently touching her stiff nipples,
while her venus fuzz shimmered on her strong thighs like a stream of liquid silk.
Sometimes i feel akin to a modern Robinson Crusoe on an island filled with naked primitives.
a space traveler stranded on the planet of the apes.
There are three things that give me the strength to persevere.
The love of music, an engagement for a better world.
And Inge Koschmidder.
Yes, dear diary, i am in love.
In love with an older woman. This may sound shocking, but..
I have to go, dear diary.
Grandpa must be moved about.
Except for me, nobody takes care of the old bag.
I don't wanna get pushed for a stroll.
Did you listen to the news today?
They found a cure for your type of cancer.
What, what?
Yeah, it heals in seconds, tastes like a oral sex, acts like cocaine and costs 1 Mark.
And the side-effects?
It makes you rich and famous.
Oh, you're a jokester, aren't you?
Just trying to be nice.
Y'know, since you don't really have that much longer.
I'm not quite at the graveyard yet.
THAT we can change.
What's happening? Where are you taking me?
A shortcut.
I don't wanna go to the graveyard!
Sooner or later, we all end up here. You sooner, me later.
Graveyards make me nervous.
It's all about becoming and passing.
Oh yeah? Guess i'm not passing quickly enough for you.
Should i do a test drive or what?
Halt! Stop!
Oh man, look at this.
All the worms and maggots. The vultures of the underground.
What would happen if i drop this apple down there?
Hey, what's going on over there?
A funeral.
Let us clear out of here.
Wait, aren't those the Möllendonks from next door?
Absolutely. Hubert is being buried today, the old dirtbag.
Grandpa, Hubert was your best friend once.
Speak only good of the dead.
Why? Is snuffing it a merit now?
Everyone can do that, even Hubert.
The whole family Möllendonk is here.
Small wonder. There's something to inherit, after all.
Dear mourners. We are gathered here today..
TO MAKE SURE THAT HE'S REALLY GOING UNDER!
To give one escort, who not only knew christian charity, but also practiced it himself.
And how!
He fucked my wife!
My best friend!
Grandpa..
It's true!
While i was on nightshift!
That motherfucker!
Perhaps the deceased was not without fault.
But who, in the face of death, throws the first stone?
Me! ME! Give me a rock! I'll do it!
Please, we are all christians!
Not me! I left the church!
Since forever!
Come.. let us go.
I'm not paying money just so i have to spend eternity with people like you!
I wanna go to hell!
HAIL SATANAS! ABRAXAS!
I have to ask you to leave God's Acre immediately!
And don't show your face around here again!
Are you happy now?
Naturally. This is how atheists imagine immortality, after all.
Being barred from the graveyard.
Grandpa smells a bit strong, but he's otherwise pretty okay.
Almost a shame that he has to be dying soon.
I'll miss him, in a way.
On the other hand, i'll get his big room then.
But where was i?
Ah, yes.
Love.
Yes, dear diary, i am in love.
I didn't know that this emotion would disable logical thinking in such a big way.
Actually, at this very moment, i am wearing father's Calvin Klein shorts as a headdress.
I just felt like it.
Fuck! FUCK! Goddamnit! Goddamn pig fuck shit ass fuck! *swearing continues*
In a way, one becomes almost immune to negative influences.
The rainforest is dying In Brazil.
I will most likely be held back a year.
And father is madly marauding through our house.
Hey! Hey! Open up! Where! Are! My! Underpants!
But i am thinking about one thing only.
About love. Love.
Object of my desire is Inge Koschmidder.
Inge is seventy-six and already a bit decrepit.
But i don't give a shit about sexual taboos
Here too, boundaries need to be demolished.
The day before tomorrow, i visited Inge to proclaim my love for her.
It was probably just Nerves.
Women are generally a bit more hesitant in these things than men, after all.
Her heart says Yes.
But the feminist half of her brain says No.
After half an hour, i rang the doorbell again.
Enough time for her to think about her feelings.
What a devil's bride!
She wanted to signal: Take me!
Conquer me!
THAT i can do.
Today marks the beginning of the offensive, the storm towards Inges heart!
And the path to a women's heart leads through her ear.
Unfortunately, the damn pigs arrived and put an end to the performance.
They would've loved to pin something on me, but had to let me go, because i am still a minor.
What a day.
But the social revolutionist does not know the meaning of midday nap.
After all, i also wrote wildlife conservation on the banner of my engagement
Soon i have to take Peppy for a walk.
Surely he's already waiting for my arrival, while whimpering impatiently.
The good boy.
Helllllloooooohoooo
Yes, yes.
'sup, Mrs. Mövenpick?
Can i take a walk with Peppy?
But of course!
The old lazybones needs a bit of a stroll.
Someone is going to be very happy.
Peppy...
Lil' Peppy, where are you...
Aha! There he is, the little rascal.
But don't spoil him again.
Ah, no worries, Mrs. Mövenpick.
You know what i dreamt last night, Peppy?
I dreamt that i had a dog.
A real dog, y'know, not a rent-a-dog without pedigree like you.
It was a real purebred.
You were also in the dream.
My dog ate you.
Curious dream, isn't it?
You see this stick?
Nice stick, ain't it?
Actually it's just a regular dumb, dried-out dirt-stick,
but when i throw it, your animalistic instincts will force you to pant after it like it was a dalmatian bitch in heat.
Go fetch!
Oldest dog-gag in the world. Works every time.
This is your flaw. You're too stupid.
That's also the reason you're carrying newspapers for us.
A cat would never do that. Not even a hamster.
Oh, look here, Peppy. A little pile from the competition?
Well, what now?
The call of the wild.
Don't you wanna at least sniff at it?
Looks like i have to wake up your inner wolf.
First you got to catch the scent, that's really important. Like so.
And now you have to put your pile next to it.
That's called marking.
Peppy, Peppy... i'm seriously worrying about your natural instincts.
Look, Peppy! Your arch-enemy! And three of them at once.
Look how these sadistic creatures torment this defenseless mouse!
This is your chance for redemption!
Those rude fellows!
But they didn't account for Super-Peppy!
You know what your problem is, Peppy? You're leaving your defense wide open.
My god, Peppy! What happened to you?
It's his bad reflexes, Mrs. Möwenpick.
You know what i'm thinking?
No. What?
I believe your dog is watching too much television.
Oof, he went down!
Listen up, folks.
No, you'll b-b-b-be listening n-n-now!
One more f-f-f-flopp-p-p-ped g-gig and you can go on t-t-t-tour alone!
Singing texts by Salman Rushdi at that islamic fundamentalist meetup was just insanity.
And how! They gave me fifty lashes on my bare soles!
I understand, men.
You are unhappy.
You are yearning for applause, the jubilations of the masses.
I know what you want; you want sparklers!
S-s-s-sparklers?!
D-d-d-don't m-m-make me laugh!
I j-j-just want to not b-be roughed up after a c-c-c-c-concert for once!
Is that t-t-t-t-too much to ask f-f-f-for?!
Do not fear, men. This time i have everything handled, i swear.
I'm already d-d-d-dying to f-f-f-f-f-find out!
Are you at least sure you picked the right music this time?
Count on me, men!
They'll put wreaths on us. They shall plead on their knees for an encore!
S-s-s-s-swear! / Swear it! / Yeah, swear!"
I swear.
Howdy!
Is not everyone of us like a truck in the night?
On the road to nowhere, with questionable freight.
Isn't the highway below us like a beautiful broad?
Curvy and supple, like a naked body.
Isn't being, isn't life just like a country song?
Going in and going out and tough as concrete.
Because where trucks are humming,
where country music plays,
that's where the stupid sit,
because stupidity likes to drink.
I don't give a shit about Hank Williams!
I don't give a shit about Johnny Cash!
I don't give a shit about Dolly Parton!
Country makes me sick!
This is the anti-country song, the anti-country tune.
Anyone who likes country has a tiny dick.
I must have a guardian angel, dear diary.
Otherwise i wouldn't have escaped unharmed,
while the boys got to eat a few fists.
Maybe it will give them strength for their future life path.
Brush yourself in youth and you won't have to comb in old age, as they say.
01:30
About time to conclude the day with some sexual experiments.
Perhaps this time i'll get my first ejaculation.
It should be about time for it.
Kalle Klangmut had twenty-four already.
Or so he says.
Can you hear it? Can you hear the silence?
Yeeees, you can hear it! Feel it! Smell it! Taste it!
Aaah, this cosmic silence.
The silence in the forest.
No precocious comments.
No bad jokes.
You hear nothing!
Because i have made a deal with my favorite son here, before breakfast. Right, son?
If he opens his mouth even once while at the table, he'll get slapped so hard that the glasses will fly off!
The good old punches. Old-fashioned authoritative upbringing.
Aaaah, this silence. A simple banana cereal almost seems like a holiday feast.
Dig in!
'Sup!
What? What is that now?
I am the voice of the downtrodden!
I am the outcry in the gulag!
I'm the tenor in the prisoner choir.
I rather believe you're the cause for a good beating!
A moment! Our deal said nothing about ventriloquism
Do you want to risk your pedagogical credibility?
There are witnesses!
I'll get it.
Well, dad. He's got ya there.
Yes, hello?
No, this isn't the crisis hotline, you have the wrong number.
But say, are you in some distress?
Oh, shit.
That's really rough.
Yes, actually. Your situation sounds very much hopeless to me, too.
No, no, i understand completely. You must feel like the biggest piece of dirt.
And rightly so.
No, no, i wouldn't put any hope in that.
Suicide?
That would of course be a solution.
But please, no thanks needed. My pleasure.
Bye! Or better.. adieu..
Who was it?
Don't worry. Already dealt with.
Dear diary. Something terrible has happened.
As i was passing by Inge Koschmidders apartment on my daily patrol..
i saw that she was talking to a strange man.
They lowered their voices while i strolled by.
That whore!
She cheats on me while i am watching.
Never in my life have i been this humiliated;
the pain is indescribable.
I do not believe that i am able to ever feel something like love again in my life.
Any emotion inside of me has been exterminated.
I feel as though i'd like to march into a small, defenseless country and to establish a terror regime there.
But.. you just don't do that kind of thing.
I shall strike back still. Not with her own, primitive means,
No, more subtle, with style.
But enough of that. Other duties await.
As substitute for Kalle Klamrot, who is sadly medically incapacitated, i am delivering warm food to the disabled.
'Sup!
The young samaritans sent me; i'm bringing the food.
That's fine. You are Kalle's fill-in? Please place it on the table, yes?
Would you read me a bit from the newspaper while i eat? That's what Kalle always did.
Say.. are you really blind? Or is this all so someone whipes your ass for you?
Now listen! Of course i'm blind!
That should be easy enough to find out.
Well, either you really are blind or you have no sense of humor.
I AM blind!
Oh, shit.
I'm so sorry. You poor, poor blind man..
I don't want your pity!
I understand your bitterness. At least for today, let me be your eye onto the world. I'm going to read now.
That one's so hot!
The titty girl from page 2; here, look!
Oh, apologies. I am so very insensitive. I will read you the measurements.
Ninety-eight. Sixty-four. Ninety-two. Well? Any movement?
A blind (false) alert, you could say.
It's not easy to do something nice for you. Soo.. gotta go now. You're not the only cripple on my route.
I'm on my way now. Bye! Aaand i'm gone.
Psst, psst, i wasn't even gone yet!
Really gotta go now, though. Don't let your food get cold - it's fresh mole today.
You dirty little bastard!
Missed me.
I always thought, blind people were optimistic, humerous contemporaries.
Like Stevie Wonder.
Guess i was mistaken.
But, no reason to be embittered.
Don't we all have our crosses to bear?
Me, for instance.
The hour of my biology presentation draws ever closer.
Nevertheless i won't lament.
To the contrary
At this point i can reveal that my work on it is developing splendidly.
a note reading: (Fucking) -> (Licking) -> (Blowing)
I not only believe that it will elate my teacher
and guarantee my transfer
but that it will make waves throughout established biological science
The topic is human sexuality.
For many interesting approaches, i can thank grandfather, who awakened my interest in this nascent field of research at a very early age.
For example, i always fondly remember the delicious episode when we tried to push grandfather off onto an old folks home.
I don't wanna go into a home!
It's not a home, grandpa, it's a senior pen.
The only senior pen i know hangs between my legs.
Grandpa, get a grip! We need to make a good first impression.
They don't take just everyone here.
Ah, our new guest! Welcome to St. Anna-Pen
Good day. 'sup!
Just a few small formalities.
What medications do you have to take regularly?
Morphine. But you just have to get the stuff to me.
I can shoot up myself.
And it's not like i shit the bed or something; i'm low-maintenance
I just fall out of the wheelchair every now and then and puke on the carpet.
But i don't notice that, 'cuz morphine.
Just leave me down there.
You can vacuum the puke away when it's dried up.
Errr... err.. Do you have... any ... hobbies?
Yeah, sure! Compulsive masturbation.
What now?
I'm talking about my senior pen. I take it into my hand and ...
Grandpa...
What religion are you part of?
Church Of The Holy Vagina
The What?
Vagina. V. A. G. ...
Alright, i know how to spell it!
What religion is that supposed to be?
We believe in the screwed conception. We believe God is a MILF, with big natural..
Grandpa!
We have our own burial rites, too.
We believe the genitals live on.
Only the rest of the body gets inhumed.
Oh, i'm so sorry, i'm just seeing that we are fully booked!
Nurse Ursua! Would you escort these gentlemen out, please?
Of course. Please follow me, this way.
I'll be jiggered! A sex goddess!
You're not a nurse!
You're the goddess of lust!
You are The Holy Vagina!
Stay here!
I don't wanna go home! I wanna be in the old folks home! Please, please!
Oh shut up, will ya?
After that we decided to just nurse him to death.
It's cheaper. And father and mother can skim some off the top when it comes to his medications.
I must close now.
It's open house at the broadcasting center,
a media circus that i can't miss.
'sup!
(ON AIR)
Hello, Hello. Hello, Hello. Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello!
You will now hear a few very strange noises.
And now, the news.
Greater federal area:
Pay heed to big white fuzzy things that are flying through the air.
They escaped from the genetic laboraty in Pforz and are very dangerous.
Contacting with the skin will lead to women getting pregnant and men turning gay.
Bonn: Effective immediately, housewives without a side job will have to make themselves available to
unemployed, unshaven men with bad breath for the purposes of satisfying physical needs, free of charge.
The federal government hopes that this will lead to a sudden leap in growth for population and industry.
Simply join the queue in your nearest supermarket or leave your housedoor unlocked.
Now to traffic, for a missing person announcement:
Mr. *static*, living in *static*, driving a Gold with the plate *more static*, make your way home immediately!
Your house is on fire.
And now a very special message for Inge Koschmidder.
Yes, Inge, i mean you!
You whore! You fucked the mailman!
Yes, the whole world shall know; Inge Koschmidder fucks mailmen!
You bitch!
... and i loved you once ...
There's the guy!
And don't show your face here again!
Well...
I think this will teach Inge a lesson.
Playing with my heart means playing with fire.
She has to learn that i have feelings as well.
Older people sadly tend to lack sensibility.
Duties, duties, duties ...
Grandfather needs his walkies. A bit of oxygen, a few nice words.
It will distract him from dying.
I you think about it, old age actually has an enormous amount of upsides.
Oh yeah? Like what?
Well.. err...
For example.. you can.. show your disability ID around.
Sure! I can't swim anymore, but i can go to the swimming pool for free.
I can't see or hear, but i get free admission to the theatre.
Fuck all i can do.
What do you think you should be able to do with a disability ID?
You should be able to get free admission to the brothel!
Can you actually talk about anything but sex?
Why? Is there anything else?
Alright, i get it.
Is there something from your rich sexual experiences
that you want to share with a young human like me for my future life?
Yeaaah..
Don't masturbate more than twelve times a day.
At least not over a long period of time.
Why?
What do you think put me in the wheelchair to begin with?
You're a dirty old man, you know that?
Oh, i know.
My nurse can wash me as often as he wants, i still feel dirty afterwards.
I feel like that's unnatural.
Why?
If god had wanted you to get a boner at this age, he'd have given him wings.
You know... you're kinda okay.
You remind me of what i was at your age.
A short-sighted small boy?
No, a short-sighted little asshole!
What is this ugly new building there?
That's the new hospital.
Oh, that's good then!
Because i'm just getting a heart attack!
Maybe i get grandfathers room pretty soon, after all.
He survived the heart attack, but the doctors said there is a good chance of another one.
In all this excitement, i almost forgot Inge. The good one.
To love means to forgive, dear diary.
I shall send a signal that the path to my heart is open yet again.
Hello?
I am young and you are old, I am still warm, you'll soon be cold.
You feel weak, i feel strong, I am the nail, you are the coffin.
As i frolick through life, all that waits for you is the urn.
And as you wail in the here-after, i will as though born anew.
But i don't care, for you're my treasure!
You're so nice, so full of beauty, like a parking garage
that's closed.
I am the chrome, you are the rust, I'm fertilizer, you're compost.
As i frolick through life, all that waits for you is the urn.
We were just breeding and now you're inhumed.
But i don't care, for you're my treasure!
I don't care for your cholesterol, I need you
like heroin.
You're missing strength, i have the pull, I am the wind, you are the lull.
You're withered, i'm still crispy, I'll inherit the money, i find that funny.
Nothing diminishes the love for you, neither gout nor Alzheimers.
Hello, hello! Inge!
Broads.
And then i did just that. With a blindfold.
One one leg. On the back of that shark.
And laughed danger straight in the face.
I'm here to pick up Peppy, Ms. Möwenpick.
Peppy....! I know you're here somewhere!
There he is, the little rascal...
Come now, Peppy. Stop this childishness.
Peppy...
I'm about to get angry... my patience is almost at its end, Peppy.
But, Peppy...
Missed me.
Now you've gone and made me angry, Peppy.
That, sadly, means that i must punish you.
But Peppy, you don't even know how to use that thing...
DOWN! Peppy, down!
There is a brandnew dewormer i absolutely have to test out on you, my four-legged friend.
But Peppy, you really shouldn't do that. Smoking is bad for your health.
Peppy, Peppy, Peppy, Peppy....
Did you know that dog counts as a delicacy in China?
I even came up with a recipe already, it's called Peppy Bolognese.
You take a perfectly normal dog.
One just like you, Peppy.
Add garlic, tomato, a lot of oregano
Broil at high temperature until crispy brown, then add onions.
Some people do it the opposite way around, but i like the onions glassy instead of crispy.
Then i add some (drowned out)
'Sup, Ms. Möwenpick.
Just wanted to check up on Peppy. Can he go on walks again?
Of course. A bit of fresh air will be good for him.
Y'know, i am a bit worried about Peppy.
Why?
Well, ever since your last walk, he's behaving very weirdly.
Now where is he?
Oh, there he is!
You know, Peppy, i've been thinking about our relationship.
There is some unneccessary tension.
That's why i got you something.
Nom nom nom, a tasty sausage!
What you don't know, dear Peppy,
is that this sausage contained a hefty dose of LSD-25.
That is a very potent hallucinogen.
Allegedly it makes it easier to see problems more clearly
and it strengthens sensory information in a most fascinating way.
They say bodily activity makes it go faster through the bloodstream into the brain.
where it's full effectiveness unfolds.
Are you noticing anything yet, Peppy?
This is just the right moment to test your reflexes under extreme conditions.
Just relax, Peppy. Be yourself.
Four
Three
Two
One
Zero.
Peppy.
Peppy, are you paying attention?
Peppy, Peppy, Peppy, Peppy.. i'll take note:
No noteworthy improvements in terms of reflexes through ingestion of lysergic acid diethylamide.
What do we learn from this, Peppy?
Keep away from hard drugs. Nothing good comes from it.
My god, Peppy!
The reflexes, Ms. Möwenpick. His old problem.
But not just that, Ms. Möwenpick. Not just that...
I have a terrible suspicion.
Oh no, what?
I fear that your dog is taking drugs.
Dear diary. You're probably wondering why i wear father's black shorts on my head.
I am in mourning.
Yes, i mourn Inge Koschmidder. For she is not among us anymore.
As i was coming back from my walk with Peppy, the hearse stood in front of the door.
The grim reaper took Inge from us.
I was a fool to gift my heart to such an unreliable person.
First the mailman and now she steals herselfs out of our relationship in such a cowardly fashion.
I am very disappointed with Inge.
But life goes on, does it not?
The dogs bark, yet the caravan moves on.
I shall seek to forget through my work.
Men, trust me!
Sure, there were tears and pain in the past
but is that not the fate of all unyielding rock rebels?
Think of Jim Morrison! Think of Sid Vicious!
Jim M-m-m-orris-s-s-on is d-d-ead, you a-a-a-asshole!
And Sid Vicious, too!
Sid Vicious is dead?
But i bought a record of him just yesterday.
This gig will be our breakthrough.
Our triumphal march into a better world.
A world of sex, drugs and willing groupies.
I feel it. No, i KNOW it!
Should i vow?
Better not.
Hm, tasty vegetables! My thanks for that!
It's a quarter past 10 already!
My thanks for that!
It's a quarter past 10 already!
Bless you! Bless you! Bless you!
Well, what's up?
You got something against multi-cultural influence?
It borders on a miracle that we managed to escape with our lives, dear diary.
I was able to flee through a stage shaft, while the boys got the brunt of it.
Especially Kalle Klamrott was put through the ringer.
But we all have to sacrifice something, don't we?
And is my lot not the hardest to bear?
After all, i had to go to bed without supper because i used fathers shorts to make a telephone cover...
... which was supposed to be a surprise for Inge.
I shall end this evening with some final experiments in the lower regions.
Dear diary! You won't believe what just happened!
What a day, i'm so excited.
First the biology presentation, then the school festival this evening.
Are you nervous, my boy?
Fret not, mother.
I am at inner rest like a buddhist bear in hibernation.
I don't doubt THAT.
But what i doubt is that you're actually prepared for your presentation.
You're doing me a disservice, father! As so often...
But i forgive you.
What i hold in my hands here is not just some simple homework.
After it's publishing, the whole field of biology will have to be redefined.
It is probably the first biology presentation that will be considered for the Nobel prize.
Well, that really puts me at ease...
May i begin?
Go ahead.
Lights off, please.
We begin with the genitals.
The human fascination with genitals is as long-lasting as it is inexplicable.
No other bodypart garners even remotely the same level of attentiveness.
An elbow, for example, can be of flawless beauty
but it will never produce the same 'Hello!' as a penis or a vagina.
Despite the fact that those objectively look like radioactive vegetables from outer space.
It may stay an eternal mystery of creation why the genitals don't have the appearance of something that pleases the eye
Perhabs that of a cyclamen or a handmade glass vase from the Harz region.
The male member is generally seen as the Mercedes of genitals.
When erect, a naturally grown male member reaches a length of about 60 cm (23.6 in) and weighs around 3 kg (6.6 lbs).
The male member can ejaculate exactly 950 times, which is pretty much half a bucket full.
The male semen consists of braincells that are sent, via the hypothalamus and the spinal cord, to the testicles.
A man loses about 5 billion braincells with every ejaculation, twice as much as under general anesthesia.
Essential for the production of semen is virility.
As a rule-of-thumb: A man can shoot off as many times a day as his age in years.
If your figures are lower than that, you should worry. You likely have testicular cancer.
The female member, also called clitoris or tickler
is, compared to the male one, hardly worth mentioning.
Naturally dwarvish and inhibited, it hides behind two skinflaps, the labia
which are often surrounded by a gorgeous beard growth.
Men prefer mighty, space-filling labia.
You can actually determine the size of a woman's labia without ever having seen her naked.
Multiply the length of her earlobes with the width of her upper lip and you get the size of the labia in square centimeters.
My intention to inject some humor into the bland subject matter was sadly not rewarded with high grades, dear diary.
I share this fate with other great men in history.
Giordano Bruno, Galileo Galilei, Erich Honecker...
Brothers in spirit. Time will prove us right.
Grandfather is still in the hospital. I will visit him and give him some comfort and hope.
I will also check in on Kalle. It's not as serious for him as we thought, after all.
The doctors say he might be able to urinate without a catheter in a few short months.
'Sup!
You got some nice flower pictures here. Are they mouth-painted?
Hello... err. He.. Hello Kalle!
How.. err.. How you doing? Old Chum!
Buddy. Oh, very interesting. Damn nazis, eh? Hehe.
Well then. Surely you two have some fun together. Wouldn't wanna bother you there.
And don't blabber so much.
(weird noises)
Next patient please.
Come in.
Are you the doctor?
Why not?
Well, you're so small and ...
Indeed; i am the smallest doctor in Europe. Is that a problem for you?
No, no, no, not at all.
Why are you naked?
Why are you not naked?
Undress, quickly!
Well then, let's have a look at your X-rays.
Ooooh, shit.
What? What?
A tumor! There.
What? Where? Where?!
Right there. There!
Oh god! That's a tumor?
No. No, no. No. That's a grease stain.
A small error; my fault. Oh, i'm so sorry.
I can only apologize. My apologies. I am so sorry. Sorry.
Makes you feel like you were reborn, right? That'll be 100 Mark.
What? For what? I don't even have anything.
You want cancer instead? Let's see what we can do...
Alright, alright. Here.
Goodbye. And take care of your health.
I can see from the files that all your cases are hopeless.
You will all perish miserably.
This practice will therefore be closing.
They should just euthanize all those old farts, for fuck's sake.
Mr. Brenner does not want to eat his fatsoup.
Well negro-man, makes you wonder, huh?
Back home, they starve to death and here they can't stomach anything because the food made 'em sick.
Here's a solution: Let the old ones cack it, cook some tasty soup from 'em and then we send that to Africa.
You people like that, right? Some crispy colonialist leg with coconut milk...
Weird. You'd have thought negros would enjoy darker humor.
Oh, the whole family? Are we celebrating something?
Grandfather is dying.
Really? Can i have his room?
Before i depart, i have something to confess to you.
Every time i cut my toenails ...
I mixed them into your cereal.
Is he dead now?
Err... i think so, yeah.
Grandfather, you're not dead?!
Nah.
I changed my mind. I don't wanna die.
Oh, great ...
Dear diary. Now is the time to summarize this eventful day.
The school festival is over and i can assert that my artistic actions did not miss their intended effects.
It was one of those nights where anything seemed possible.
The air was hot and moist like a beautiful young woman.
The sky was filled with stars
the moon shined like a guidepost pointing towards a better future.
The room was filled, sold out to the last seat.
Tension crackled in the air. It was time to begin.
'SUP!
That's our son.
Shush! It's not like everyone needs to know.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I welcome you to this year's school festival in the Adolf Hitler high hchool.
Sorry, the Albert Schweitzer high school...
Unfortunately we had to cancel the musical event, an appearance of me and my band, due to health reasons.
I will therefore arrange the program mostly by myself.
But before we start, i wanted to say thank you.
Firstly to my mother; without whom i wouldn't be standing here
without whom i would be nothing more than one of many millions of semen cells inthe testicles of my father.
Thank you, mother.
I further thank the teachers of this institution
for the torch of wisdom which they passed along to me
and for their patience. Thank you, teachers.
That's our son! / Yeah, our son, that's him!
Haha! Those fools!
The well-fed bourgeoisie felt itself secure
and waited lazily for more entertaining inoffensiveness.
Now i could tighten the thumbscrews.
I changed costumes behind the curtain,
then stepped out into the bright stagelight and said:
All of you...
have fucked.
Calmly, i let this targeted provocation soak into the audience.
Your son, you said?
They did not expact that.
My elk costume only added to the irritation.
Those are his parents!
And then the drugs took effect.
The pleasure-seeking adults spent the whole evening delecting themselves on the free punch bowl,
without ever suspecting that i mixed in a few interesting chemicals.
I knew this evening was developing into something very special
when our religion teacher, Ms. Blackli, requested the entire male faculty to join her in a penis parade.
The victory laurel for the presentation of innovative sexual practice
was without a doubt due to my grandfather.
Yes!
You! Fucking! Pumpkin!
There... all done.
He could even walk again for a short while.
That was the moment i was waiting for.
Naked as god made me, i approached the microphone and proclaimed a new time:
Peace to the huts!
War to the palaces!
Eventually we stormed the cathedral at the market.
As the biggest building in town, i thought it most fitting
to use its roof to unroll our political demands. (FUCKING)
Unfortunately, it was then that the authorities arrived.
Grandfather resisted fiercely until the very end
and as long as the drugs worked, the parents and faculty kept chanting about freedom.
This liberal mindset would change dramatically the next morning.
Suddenly my parents had very little appreciation for my radical viewpoints.
As we stood before the judge, they showed their true bourgeois face.
Is that your son?
Not anymore!
And so ends another eventful day in my rebellious life.
Some things were done.
Much was left unaccomplished.
But ...
Is life not like a mosaic?
Only with the last stone ...
... is it made into a whole.